Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Submission for Can You Hook A Teen Contest

Title: I, Benandante
Genre: YA Dark Fantasy


The sound roused her slowly, like a drip in a faucet. Marisa heard the rhythm grow stronger, like someone tapping – no, like a drum. It sounded like someone was beating a drum.

“Come on!” A man’s voice shouted at her. “Get up! It’s time to go!”

She had heard that voice before; it was happening again.

Marisa didn’t want to open her eyes. She was terrified of what she would see. She could feel them swirling around her.

“Wake up! Will you come with me?”

The voice shouting at her had an authoritative tone that demanded obedience. Her eyes flew open and she stared at him standing over her bed. He carried a plant with a long stalk in his hand like it was a weapon.

Then Marisa realized she could see through him.

She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t open her mouth or move any other part of her body. She felt frozen, like a stone. With the scream still caught in her throat, she glanced up at the man’s face again. One second it was a human face, then it changed shape into a cat, then a mouse, then a chicken. The only thing that didn’t change was his eyes as they bored into hers with an angry, terrifying gaze.

“The battle is approaching!” The chicken head changing into a bat head shouted to her.

Marisa knew the others were there. Rats, cats, rabbits, birds, deer with human eyes, more spirit people with cat and goat eyes; all of them moving together to the same destination.

7 comments:

  1. I know you already entered, so I'll just say that this grabbed me in the beginning. The ending got weird but I wanted to read on to see what was going to happen. Great job and good luck with the contest! <3

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  2. I loved the weird, you can't stop there, it's not fair! :-)

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  3. Very interesting and intriguing. I definitely want to read on. You might want to look it over one more time to tighten the writing. You have a number of repeated words, such as "like" four times in the first 3 sentences.

    Nicely done.

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  4. Thank you Julie, these are exactly the kinds of comments I'm looking for.

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  5. Let me say that it is enticing, interesting, and I would like to read more.

    Just one critique - the third to last paragraph feels a bit repetitive to me:

    She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t open her mouth or move any other part of her body. She felt frozen, like a stone. With the scream still caught in her throat, she glanced up at the man’s face again.

    I think you could condense some of these sentences to maintain the fast-paced flow and get the reader into her head a little more. I just imagine the second and third sentences being combined in some way, to keep your voice, but also to put us in the chaos, because this sounds like the beginning of a very chaotic, disorienting scene.

    Best of luck on the 250 contest - I entered it as well, though mine needs a lot of work ^_^

    Cheers,
    Rachel

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  6. Wow... What were you smoking? It works with the Alice in Wonderland background on your blog. I'm sure this is the response you were going for, so good job! Here's a few coments.

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    The sound roused her slowly, like a drip in a faucet. Marisa heard the rhythm grow stronger, like someone tapping – no, like a drum. It sounded like someone was beating a drum. ---- way too many "likes" in this paragraph. It's a turn-off

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    The voice shouting at her had an authoritative tone that demanded obedience. --- This is kind of telly to me. I'm not "feeling it" Your forcing it on me by telling me. Does that make sense?

    Her eyes flew open and she stared at him standing over her bed. -- this is telling too. You can just let us know what she sees and it will flow better. Obviously she is looking at him.

    He carried a plant with a long stalk in his hand like it was a weapon.

    Then Marisa realized she could see through him. --- I'd cut the "Then she realized"

    She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t.-- Again, kind of telly. Let us experience her trying to scream rather than telling us what she couldn't do.


    This last paragraph didn't make sense to me: (Below)

    Marisa knew the others were there. Rats, cats, rabbits, birds, deer with human eyes, more spirit people with cat and goat eyes; all of them moving together to the same destination.

    Please take these as constructive suggestions only. I've been through a red-lined manuscript rejection, and I see a lot of the same mistakes in your work. Just trying to help. (Feel free to contact me if you'd like some explaination-I blog about it all the time)

    Bring on the weird, and good luck!

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  7. Thank you Jennifer, comments to help me tighten up my writing are what I want. When I'm employed I'm a teacher, so I understand red lining.

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